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$20 for $60 value—Rock Your John Hancock with a Customized Acrylic Name Necklace
March is right around the corner, and you know what that means. It's time to iron my Dockers, press my polos, and book a flight to Yonkers for the National Automatic Merchandising Association Convention. My sciatica may be as inflamed as my bunions, but I refuse to let anything stand between me and VendCon. I've got a score to settle.
The trouble started at last year's convention. The boys and I were pre-gaming over at the Utz booth, powering through samples of Pork Cracklins and Backed Cheese Twists. We must have lingered a little longer than usual because we found ourselves punch drunk from the fried doodles swimming in our bellies. I don't want to get into the gory details, but let's just say my crew whooped it up like pastors on vacation in Branson.
Our hijinks must have offended the reps over at Planters, and they started throwing peanuts at us. Words were exchanged, chests were puffed out, and fists would have flown had the security guards not rolled up in their Rascals. As security broke up the melee, one of the reps lobbed one last insult my way—"Hey, jerk. Did you get your mommy to fill out your name badge?" It cut deep.
That's when I decided to step up my conventioneering game with a personalized name necklace. No more Hello My Name Is… stickers. I got my name carved out of acrylic, and I'm wearing it with pride. The price was so low I went ahead and picked up a couple in different colors to match my outfits and some monogrammed versions in different fonts for my posse. I can't wait to see the jaws drop over at the Planters booth when we strut up and flash our razzle-dazzle.
Email: cs@shoponlinedeals.com
http://www.shoponlinedeals.com
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$79 for $160 Value—Sink Your Teeth into Two 4oz Filet Mignons, Three 6oz Top Sirloins, Six 5oz Beef Hamburgers, and Eight 3oz Beef Hotdogs
What's wrong with food these days? All the restaurants these days feel more like science labs than eateries. They call it molecular gastronomy, but it's Greek to me. I popped into this new Italian joint downtown the other night that had good Yelp reviews. Everyone recommended the low-carb Tour of Tuscany, so I went with that. It didn't take the waiter more than five minutes to bring back three covered plates. He pulled off the first lid and shoved my face close to an empty bowl and told me to breathe in. It smelled a little like pasta e fagioli and dish soap. For the second course, he pushed my nose down to a plate that gave off a faint lasagna odor. Dessert was an essence of biscotti and espresso mixed with the waiter's Drakkar Noir. $50 to smell dishes? Crazy.
Even the street vendors are jumping on the food chemistry bandwagon. I stopped by a cart for a simple dirty-water hotdog with some mustard and red onion. What I got was something he called a "deconstructed dog." There was some brown powder sprinkled on bread-flavored ice cream balls and topped with a noxious-yellow foam. How am I supposed to eat this garbage? I flunked chemistry for crying out loud.
All I want is a good steak, some roasted potatoes, and maybe a little white sauce. Good thing I ordered Natural Meat Co.'s Filet Mignon Summer Grill Combo pack of all-natural, grass-fed meat. I'll fire up the two 4oz filets for me and the little lady, the three 6oz top sirloins for my mother-in-law, and the six 5oz burgers and eight 3oz hotdogs for the kids. Just a good, old-fashioned BBQ that doesn't take a degree in astrophysics to make.
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Email: TheMeatGuys@NaturalMeatCo.com
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$74 for $150 Value—Satisfy your Steak Tooth with Two 6oz Boneless New York Strips, Two 6oz Top Sirloins, Six 5oz Beef Hamburgers, and a Dozen 3oz Beef Hotdogs
Every time the family gets a new boss, I gotta bust my cogliones making that wise guy feel welcome. Frankie Two Steps wasn't even in charge for more than seven months before he choked on a bone from a baked branzini. Before him, there was Joey Brick Nose, who didn't fare too well, neither. The morning of his one-year anniversary, he slipped in the shower and SNAP…busted his neck in two places. His poor mistress had to walk in and find him with shampoo still in his hair and a soap on a rope hanging around his neck. Marone!
As if losing two godfathers in two years wasn't bad enough, now we got some guy coming up from Austin to take over our operations. I never met him, never shaken hands with him, and certainly never hijacked no big rig of cigarettes with him, so I mean no disrespect. But how's someone named Lyle gonna run the biggest family in Queens?
Ah, well. What do I know? I'm just a soldier who's gotta put together the menu for his welcome party. The last two were easy—a little bit of prosciutto followed by a nice baked ziti and some baccala before finishing with a zabaione. That ain't gonna fly for a Texan. I'm going straight meat and potatoes this time around with Natural Meat Co.'s New York Strip Summer Grill Combo. We're talking a pair of 6oz top sirloins, a couple 6oz New York strips, a half-dozen 5oz burgers, and enough 3oz hotdogs to feed the Apostles. A few minutes on the grill, and baddabing…a feast fit for a legitimate business man.
Telephone: 1-888-427-5248
Email: TheMeatGuys@NaturalMeatCo.com
http://naturalmeatco.com/
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