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DPNO 9003954
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What was I thinking? Why would I assume that Viktor "The Moscow Mangler" Vazov wouldn't notice a few million missing rubles? Sure, he's rolling in kopeks from his vast business empire—no one in Russia can floss their teeth or swab their ears without putting a few coins in Viktor's pocket. He's the personal hygiene oligarch, for crying out loud. You wouldn't guess it by that breath of his and those toenails. But even if he doesn't use his own products, he's still the man. And I made the mistake of embezzling enough dough from his coffers to bake a loaf of bread the size of Rhode Island. Now, he's gunning for me.
What was I supposed to do, though? I was in deep with my bookie. I just kept putting dime after dime on Glass Joe to beat Soda Popinski for the Welterweight Belt. No one told me the fights were just footage from an old Nintendo game…I figured the 8-bit graphics were caused by a bad satellite connection. By the time my friends told me the bouts were fixed (programmed, to be more precise), I was down 80 large with no way to pay it back. So I dipped into the boss's till a bit. Talk about being out of the frying pan and in the fire. Kirill ratted me out the first chance he got, and Viktor doesn't turn a blind eye to thieves.
My only hope of survival is changing my appearance. I'd call up a plastic surgeon, but I hate needles. That makes Botox out of the question, too. Good thing I picked up a supply of Instant Wrinkle Eraser. An egg-head friend said he did some research and discovered that it's clinically proven ingredients (Aurasphere N, Pepha-tight, and a slurry of all-natural additives) deliver fast results that last the long haul. All I have to do is dab some gel on my wrinkles using the easy pen applicator a couple times a day, and blamo—I'll start looking like Viktor's 20-year-old assassin, Svetlana, in no time.
I've got my Instant Wrinkle Eraser, some coins in my pocket, and a full tank of gas. Call me mint jelly, boys, because I'm on the lamb!
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